Since arriving back in the land of dreary skies and signal failures, we've been missing our daily Japanese meals... I haven't really cooked anything Japanese in the past few days. So tonight we decided to treat ourselves to a rare dinner out in Brighton at a new-ish restaurant called Oki-Nami. It's part owned by DJ Norman Cook, AKA Fat Boy Slim, and Japanese Chef Mike Dodd. (Is is possible for a really good Japanese chef to be named "Mike Dodd"?) From the outside, the restaurant looked really trendy and beautiful... the interior designers certainly got it right. I think it went downhill from there.
Hilariously, they called Chu Hai their "signature cocktail" in the menu. Chu Hai is basically the Japanese version of a vodka seven. It's a Japanese distilled spirit (schochu) in lemonade. Oki-Nami: this cannot be your signature cocktail. Please don't embarrass yourself like this. And please don't charge £6 for it.
Oki-nami means "big wave" in Japanese. Which sort of described the big waves of disappointment I felt while perusing the menu. Everything seemed really unimaginative or just plain Westernised. Perhaps cooking interesting Japanese food is a little too challenging for our "Japanese Chef" Mike? Or perhaps he's never actually been to Japan, so hasn't read any authentic Japanese menus before?
First things first.... we both ordered simple o-cha (normal green tea) to drink. In Japan, you get this free when you sit down. A few minutes later they came over to tell us they had run out. In a Japanese restaurant. They had run out of green tea. No problem, we'll have the roasted barley tea.
Second came the edamame. It was clearly from a bag of frozen edamame, and had been slightly over cooked. Very average.... I even prefer Wagamamma's edamame.
Next was the miso soup. It was in a very slick looking bowl, but it was incredibly salty... much more than it needed to be. And for £3, it was a very simple miso.
Then things started getting worse. We'd ordered a couple of the 'specials' going that night. The Husband ordered soba noodles in broth with vegetables and tempura. Interesting, it sounded.... until it came, and you realised how quickly tempura'd vegetables disintegrate in soup. Tempura needs a SAUCE not a SOUP! It was only a few minutes before the soup turned into a soggy battered mess. The "vegetables" were clearly shaken from a bag of Tesco crisp salad mix. It reminded me of one of those cringy episodes of Masterchef, where the competing chef tries really hard to do something risky to get noticed, John Torode gives it one look of horror, shakes his head, and the chef goes home in tears.
My salmon terriyaki with rice pretty much did what it said on the tin... some strips of salmon sitting on a bed of rice, with the rest of that Tesco bagged salad shaken over it. The sauce didn't quite stretch to cover all of the rice, so it was pretty bland. And it was so simple that I loathed paying £9 for something I could have made myself at home. (With a lot more flavour, I might add.)
The final chopstick in the heart was dessert. I fell in love with green tea flavoured desserts while we were in Japan... Matcha ice cream, Matcha cake, Matcha pancakes.... so we ordered Green Tea Cheesecake. When I took my first bite, I started to wonder if the chef had actually tasted any of these dishes himself before inflicting them upon us. You could barely taste the matcha powder in the very thin layer of 'cheesecake', and the base of the cake wasn't even a proper cheesecake base with graham crumbs... in fact I can't even tell you what it WAS made of, because it had no flavour - just a sticky tasteless mess. The most unbelievable thing was the blueberries and raspberries on top of the cake. We might as well have been eating little sacks of water for all the taste they had. I've never, ever, ever eaten a blueberry with absolutely no taste... but they managed to find some for us. Probably in the back of the freezer.
If you've never tried Japanese food, please don't go here - you will incorrectly think Japanese food is disgusting. I'd rather you keep going to Wagamammas and think it tastes like that. If you have tried Japanese food and love it, I urge you to send a donation to Oki-Nami to raise some money to send our friends Mike Dodd and Norman Cook to Japan, so they can see what tasty creations a real Japanese chef cooks. Then they can stay there, open up a burger joint, and leave us the hell alone.
Update: The Guardian agrees with me...
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